Janiston Rides Again

I see Jennifer Aniston has got another film out.

Why?

There’s a particular little space reserved in my bitter little heart for the vitriol I direct at Aniston, as anyone who knows me will tell you. In fact, this is so much a part of my character that it was even mentioned at my wedding (much to my wife’s dismay).  So in a weird way, my inconsolable hatred towards everything about the star persona of Janiston in part defines me myself.

She completes me.

Aniston: Funny and Talented

I can’t exist without her- we’re like two sides of the same coin- like Batman and the Joker, Jeremy Irons and his twin in ‘Dead Ringers’, or Ripley and the alien (Aniston would be more like the alien in this example), or possibly better examples of two linked things. Just like Ripley, Janiston’s been in my life so long I can’t remember anything else. She makes me want to jump into a lead furnace before she bursts through my rib cage.

Anyway, my hatred for this woman is so strong because she’s just EVERYWHERE! And she has been for years! She’s omnipresent, even though she’s never done anything of any note except claw her way out of someone’s womb, is totally uninteresting, and finished dating Brad Pitt (who IS genuinely interesting) before most of her fans were even born. And yet she continues to be in shit identikit romcoms or cute awful indie dramas, and is on the front page of every pikelet drama mag every month! Here’s a picture of Jen signing an accord for world peace! Here’s a snap of Jen necking with Danny DeVito at a funeral! Here’s a pic of Jen liberating the people of mars from the cruel grip of an evil dictator in the future!

Can’t anyone make her stop!?

See you at the party, Richter!